A writer. A filmmaker. An explorer. A lover of mystery and magical realism. I am currently working on my first book about overcoming a panic attack disorder that led to agoraphobia. My agoraphobia became so debilitating that I didn’t leave my house for over a year. I lost everything: my job, my apartment, my money, my material possessions and even some friends. I have become physically incapacitated and spiritually bankrupt.
After a year of living inside this bubble, one night, my maternal Apache/Yaqui mother took me against my will to visit a medicine man up at the Pala Indian Reservation. I was terrified to leave the house let along go inside a hot and sequestered sweatlodge in the dark. I was 21 years old and so depressed by my status that I no longer wanted to live. I was desperate and had no hope left that I would ever be cured. I didn’t believe that anyone could help me least of all God. I felt abandoned and that the world had turned against me.
When I walked into that sweat lodge, I was determined to die and even asked God to take my life because I could no longer live that way… and that’s exactly what happened! — That night was nothing short of what I call a true exorcism. I felt that fear being ripped right out of me like a demon that possessed my body. I cried. I wailed. I kicked and screamed, while the medicine man and his two henchmen continued the ceremony. — I did die that night just like I had asked even if it was only metaphorically. What I didn’t expect was to walk out of that sweat lodge alive and cured. What rose out of those ashes that nigh was a “new” me, born. That was also the last time I ever had a full-blown panic attack.
That said, what I did fear and worry about was the constant question chattering through my mind… would it come back one day? The fear of the fear got the best of me for many, many years, and I can assure you that life has challenged me in every way since giving it ample brewing time to re-ignite, but it didn’t come back.
I used to have resentment over suffering from this mental disorder, often feeling disconnected from my perception of what normal is supposed to be. Now, I am grateful for those experiences. They have forced me to grow and to expand far beyond my own comprehension. Thus, this disorder became the result of my spiritual quest for enlightenment and the understanding of my own anatomy’s ability to produce mind over matter.
Welcome to my blog, FROM FEAR TO FEARSOME. I am currently working on a book with the same title. The book will discuss in detail how it happened to me, all the discoveries I made along the way, the transformation that began to happen, and the awakening I had as a result of all my experiences.
Even when it seems hopeless, there is hope…